


Leave the Door Open and the Lights On

by comicgeekery



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-11-03 04:29:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10959681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comicgeekery/pseuds/comicgeekery
Summary: One year the jump to the next dimension doesn't go smoothly. The Starblaster crashes in a place where time is bendy and space is temperamental. Now the ship is a wreck, the light of creation is hiding, and the whole crew is being torn between budding romance and being attacked by their worst nightmares. Can our heroes find their way out of the universe's most treacherous labyrinth? Follow their twisting trail into...The Adventure Zone!





	1. The Crash

**Chapter One: The Crash**

The start of the year was always the hardest. 

The _very_ start, that is. 

The jump from one dimension to another with an all-consuming mass of darkness right on your tail was a bit stressful, to say the least. Not that Davenport worried. He didn’t have the luxury of worrying.

Davenport had always dreamed of being a captain. When he was little he’d thought he’d run a cargo ship or maybe something for the navy. Then when he went to school he’d learned about the Institute and realized he had a destiny. 

He would be a pilot. The best pilot in the world. The first person to fly in outer space! He schooled himself endlessly to be at the top of his class, to be endlessly devoted, to think of nothing but his mission. Then, impossibly, that mission became even more important when the Hunger devoured their homeworld right behind them. There were days where he thought he might as well change his name to pilot. His skill at flying the Starblaster, his ability to save his friends over and over, those were the only things that mattered. 

That was why he wasn’t worried when they made the jump. There was no room for worry.

But, then again, he _might_ have been a little concerned if he’d known they were about to appear 100 yards above the surface of a new world. Davenport was quite possibly the finest pilot in all existence. Even that wasn’t enough to stop the Starblaster from crashing. 

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“Fuck!”

“What in the name of Pan’s holy balls was that?!”

“Is anyone hurt?”

“Geez! Are you trying to get us killed in the first five seconds?!”

“Taako! Get your _fucking_ foot out of my _fucking_ face!”

“....Oh, no. I think I got a papercut.”

The crew of the Starblaster were all in a bruised mass on the floor...or rather, the wall. The whole ship was at a 45 degree angle. Lucretia was the first one to disentangle herself and she ran for the helm.  
“Davenport! Are you alright?” She gasped when she saw him. The gnome’s face was covered in blood from smashing into the steering wheel. It looked like he’d lost a few teeth even. His hands were still firmly fixed on the controls. “Gods above. Merle! We need you up here!”

“Hold your horses, Lucy. Not everyone landed on a squishy dwarf belly!” 

Lup grimaced. “Yeeeeeah. I’m pretty sure I broke my arm back there.”

“Oh! My poor ribcage!” Magnus moaned, doubled over.

Lucretia bit her lip. Even after all their years together she hesitated to speak up. She took a closer look at Davenport. He was...oh dear. “Merle! Get your hairy ass in here now! Davenport is dying!”

In instant Merle jumped up and slid through the door to the cockpit. As a cleric Merle had seen plenty of wounds, but Davenport’s crumpled body still made him stare. There was a small puddle of blood forming under him and was that….Yes, that was definitely a dent in the gnome’s forehead. His skull had to be cracked. 

Merle growled. “Of all the people to...Argh!” He took a few deep breaths. “Alright, everyone. This is gonna take a few spell slots. All you babies with your stubbed toes and bruised widdle ribs had better suck it up for a minute.”

Gently, he pressed his hands to Davenport’s head and began to cast a healing spell. _Please, please, let this work._ He couldn’t afford to have a spell fail on him. Not this time. 

Slowly Davenport’s skull began to reshape. His body uncurled from the ship’s steering wheel and he started to look more like a gnome than an ex-gnome. Still, Merle kept going, using up his highest level spells with his his brow flooding with sweat. It wasn’t until the third healing was done that Davenport opened his eyes. He looked at Merle bleerily. “Is everyone okay? Did we land alright?”

It wasn’t a good idea to hug someone who still looked like he could be toppled with a feather, but Merle did it anyway. “Yeah, we’re fine. Don’t do that again, you dumbass. Don’t you know I’m the only one allowed to die for the good of the team?”

“Heh.” Davenport winced. Laughing was not a good idea. “Good point. I’ll try to remember that next time. He couldn’t move well enough to hug Merle back, but he cupped Merle’s arm and hoped the message got across. 

“Are you two _done_ in there?” Taako yelled from the hall. “Because I think I’m about three seconds from vomiting up blood and I swear to god I’ll do it right on Barry’s face!”

Merle rolled his eyes. Well, at least it was nice to be wanted. 

A few minutes later no one was healed completely, but all the most dangerous injuries had been taken care of by the time Merle ran out of magic. The rest would have to wait until the next day, when he could commune with Pan and get his spell slots renewed. That left them with plenty of time to worry about their other problem.

The Starblaster was _wrecked_. 

Lup and Taako wandered/climbed through the ship. Anything not nailed down had flown all over the place, but soon the twins were competing to see who could whistle the most dramatically over all the parts of the ship itself that were in pieces. 

Front window: cracked.  
Air filtration: smashed.  
Water supply: flooding.  
Engine room: steaming.

The only important thing that seemed unscathed was the heart of the ship. The magic core powered by love and friendship and blah, blah, blah (this was usually the point where they stopped listening to Barry). 

They took it in stride for the most part. After all, wasn’t life just a bunch of crash landings you did your best to run away from? Still, Taako’s eyes did mist over when they got to the kitchen, where all of the ship’s spices were mingling in a dirty puddle on the floor.

“And I’d just gotten them organized too!” Taako wailed. Lup smiled sympathetically and patted him on the back. 

Magnus popped his head in and looked around. “Yup. Everything’s shit in here too. Come on, guys. We’d better get going.”

“Going where?” Lup asked.

“Outside! To see what adventures we’ve got waiting for us this year!” He beamed with a level of genuine excitement that only Magnus was able to hold. “Also, we should probably start looking for civilization if we want to get supplies to fix this place up again before the Hunger arrives.”

Taako groaned. “Let’s hope this world _has_ a civilization. I don’t wanna have to reinvent rocket science.”

“Don’t worry. I think that would be my...WHAAA!” Suddenly Barry slid past them all, down the angled floor, and into the pantry with a crash. 

“Doing alright there, Barold?” Lup asked while chuckling.

“F-fine.” He pulled himself out and leaned against the fridge for support. “Anyway. I think we should be safe to explore. Davenport said we crashed into a big house, so that means we should have intelligent life or at least the remains of it on this world. I’m sure I can manage to find something to repair the Starblaster with. Even better, we can breathe the air! Our filtration system is out, so if the atmosphere had been poisonous we’d already be dead!”

The others stared at him. It was clear that no one else had been thinking about the air they were breathing. Everyone took a few quiet, grateful breaths.

Finally Lup stood straight and punched her hand. (Then winced because her arm wasn’t exactly fully healed yet.) “Right. Well, let’s get out there and see what this world’s got waiting for us. Er, we may want to start by finding out if we need to apologize to anyone for that dramatic breaking and entering we just did.” 

She took the lead to the main door with the others close behind. Outside a new world was waiting. If she let herself be just a bit optimistic, Lup could even admit she was a little excited at the idea.

What she didn’t know yet was that this world wasn’t going to need any apologies.

In fact, it was going to be extremely unforgiving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no! Not my battleship!


	2. The Parting

**Chapter Two: The Parting**

“Well, damn.” Lup looked around the room they’d landed in. It was huge, some kind of entry hall with fancy wooden doorways, silk-covered walls, and little cherubs in the corners. Lup didn’t have much patience for people with stupid amounts of money. She kind of wished they’d broken more stuff when they’d landed. 

In fact, why hadn’t they? She took a few steps away from the ship to get a better perspective. It was a one-in-a-zillion chance that they’d _only_ hit the entryway, but that could happen. What was weird was how little debris there was in general. The only sign they had crashed at all was the fact that the Starblaster was still buried in the floor. The marble tiles weren’t even cracked. Lup felt a sinking feeling in her gut. She looked up. On the ceiling there was a beautiful painting of griffins flying through the sky around a ridiculously huge chandelier. There wasn’t a hole in sight.

“Whoooo boy,” she muttered. “I’m sure that’s a _great_ sign.”

“What’s wrong?” asked Magnus. He was the first one to be able to wriggle his way out of the angled ship after her. She pointed up and he whistled. “Huh. A healing house. That’s a new one.” He frowned at Lup. “Is something wrong?”

“Maybe not. I don’t like it though. Mending isn’t a hard spell, but it’s tricky to have it pre-prepared, nevermind having it ready for a whole house. Whoever cast it has to be pretty powerful. If they don’t like us…”

“Then we’ll have to punch them even harder than usual!” Magnus grinned and lightly punched Lup’s arm. “Don’t worry, kiddo. We haven’t survived fifty-plus apocalypses to be done in by a fancy homeowner.”

Lup smiled. “You know I’m like a hundred years older than you, right?”

“Eh, we’re all seniors at this point. What does it matter?”

Behind them, Merle let out a bark of laughter. “Hey guys! How do you know if there’s human in the room? They hear something’s fifty and they think that means old!”

The doorway to the Starblaster echoed with laughter as Merle, Davenport, and Taako jumped down. Even Lucretia was smiling. She didn’t mind the occasional joke at her expense. Barry was the only one to look...well, not offended so much as worried, maybe a little sad. 

If they had to stay frozen in a moment in time, this wouldn’t have been a bad one. They were battered, but laughing. And they were together. Everything would always be alright when they were together. Lup met Taako’s gaze and smiled. He rolled his eyes back at her.

The room began to scream. 

It wasn’t a normal scream. It was incredibly high-pitched and came from every direction at once. Everyone yelled and covered their ears. If Lup could have pulled her thoughts together she would have cried, “Well, excuse me for being happy for a second!”

The sound wasn’t just painful. It was hurting them. After a few seconds Davenport collapsed, blood coming from his ears. Lup looked around desperately. If there was an enemy there she could blast them with a fireball, but there was no one else in sight. Fine. She cast act defensively if she had to. 

Lup held out her Umbra staff and cast Cone of Silence directly over Davenport. It’s area was wide enough to cover Barry and Lucretia too. They collapsed in relief. Outside the cone the sound grew worse. It was addling their brains now. It felt like waves were rolling through the floor. 

Across the room, Lup could see Taako trying to cast his own spell. He kept one hand to an ear and raised his wand, but he couldn’t stand straight. He stumbled to the ground. Back by the cone, Lucretia was trying to reach for him, even though he was clearly too far away. Barry at least was able to grab Merle’s hand and pull him into the protective circle. 

Lup could barely stay standing herself. Thank goodness for Magnus “Rushes In” Burnsides. He reached for her arm and only missed once before grabbing her in a firm grip and running across the room. There were trickles of blood coming from his ears and his path zigged and zagged, but at least they were moving. 

Magnus was heading for the cone, more or less. As soon as they were close enough Lup pulled away and ran dizzily to her brother. She had to save Taako. They could face the death of a hundred worlds and she would still always run to save Taako. 

He was only a few feet away now, somehow back on his feet and grimacing in pain. He held out his hand. She reached out hers. They touched.

Oh gods, it _burned_! It felt like acid was spreading over her palm. They couldn’t help it. They both screamed and stepped back. 

That was when the chandelier fell directly on Lup’s head.

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The screaming stopped the second after the chandelier crashed, not that Magnus could tell between the Cone of Silence and the ringing in his ears once he left it. He’d tried to go after Lup the moment she left him, but he’d been too dizzy to make the turn. What had he done? He should have held her tighter. Now she might be dead!

Everyone ran to the twisted, metal wreckage. Magnus was the fastest, getting there even before Taako. His hearing was still off, but he could tell the wizard was already crying out to his sister. The two had a special bond. Everyone knew that. Magnus had even been jealous of it sometimes. Who wouldn’t want someone who stood by your side in particular, to protect and be protected by you, because there was no one in the world who would ever be more important?

Right now though, it was clear that sort of love came with a heavy price. Taako’s face was in agony. His lips were moving quickly, probably in some sort of prayer. Magnus went to his side and helped throw the pieces of metalwork out of the way. 

Lup had to be alive! She had to be there to make fun of Barry and shoot fireballs in the air and be the one who held them back whenever they were one step away from going too far. Most of all she had to be there for Taako. Because if Lup were gone, Magnus didn’t think Taako could ever be whole again.

Soon everyone but Merle and Davenport were digging through the remains of the chandelier. Merle joined them as soon as he’d gotten Davenport one of their few healing potions. By then there wasn’t much left to go through and they still hadn’t found Lup. There wasn’t a trace of her. Not even a drop of blood.

“What the fuck is this?!” Taako yelled, finally throwing up his arms. “Where the hell did she go?”

“She said something about this place being magical when we first came out…” Magnus began.

“Well, no shit! I didn’t think we were attacked by the loud decour!”

Magnus held up his hands placatingly. “I’m just saying that, I dunno, maybe the floor ate her or something?”

Shockingly, this didn’t make Taako calm down. “You think I didn’t cast Detect Magic the first second I fucking could?! This house has enough magic in it to give me a nosebleed just looking at it, but there’s no way I’d miss the signature of the Umbra Staff, even through this tacky marble! Someone must have teleported her somewhere.” He paused, and his eyes went. “And we’ve been falling for their dumbass distraction!” He kicked one of the crystals across the floor and started running for the nearest door. 

“Taako, wait! Where are you going?” Barry yelled after him.

“Where do you think?” Taako called back. “Lup has to be around here somewhere and we’re going to find her.”

Remarkably, it was Davenport who was the first to catch up with him, though he still had a limp and had walk fast to keep up with the elf. “Of course we’re going to find her, Taako, but you can’t just run off like this. We’ve all been taken off-guard and hurt twice now. We need to think and come up with a plan.”

“Yeah, fun fact, homey. I’m great at multi-tasking.” Taako swung open a large brown door, revealing a brightly lit hallway and a steep staircase. “How’s about we do that whole planning thing while kicking in every door we find, hmm?” 

Davenport frowned, but followed with Magnus close behind. Magnus paused at the door. “Wow, you know this is actually made of really nice wood. I wonder what kind it is. Mahogany? Does that sound right?” He closed it and opened it to test its full swing. Then he paused. “Oh. Fuck.” 

Taako and Davenport turned then froze in horror as they looked the open doorway they’d just walked through. Inside they could see an elegant dining room, complete with a table large enough to seat twenty. The entrance hall and the Starblaster were nowhere in sight.

“Alright, that’s it!” Taako yelled, throwing his hands in the air. “I officially hate this planet!”

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Somewhere else completely Lup stirred. She felt like crap. Her ears were ringing, her head was sore, and her arm still killed from its partially healed break. She let out the whiniest groan she could. Lup firmly believed that the only good thing about being hurt was getting to complain about it.

“Ah! I’m so glad to see you’re awake.”

She bolted upright and spun to face the speaker. Her hand was already on her Umbra Staff. The room was barely lit at all. She could just make out a figure in the shadows, someone whose eyes seemed to glow. “What the hell, dude? Who are you and why are we in the cavern of shadowy cliches?”

The speaker smiled. Lup couldn’t see it, but she could hear it in his voice. It sounded like a very large smile. “So you’d like some information, hmmmm? I think we can work something out. What do you say? Are you willing to make a deeeeeaaaaaal?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's one trap down. Remember, to win you must be the last survivor, get out of the house, or have your portrait on the wall when the detective arrives. Best of luck. Feel free to move any pawn. You'll never know exactly which ones are yours.


	3. The Deal in the Dark

**Chapter Three: The Deal in the Dark**

It isn’t easy to be a scientist in worlds where magic exists.

Barry hadn’t always known that, of course. He’d grown up with magic as a fact of life. But every now and then the Starblaster landed in a world that had never known magic and boy did _that_ set life to easy mode! Physics were consistent. Interspecies breeding rarely led to viable offspring, let alone divine creatures of destiny. Fancy words didn’t warp the fabric of reality. And, best of all, houses didn’t randomly make your friends disappear.

He was at the door at the back of the entrance hall, opening and closing it over and over. Every time it opened Barry could see a different room on the other side. Sadly, it was never the hallway that Magnus, Taako, and Davenport had walked into. 

This was science once magic got involved: repeating the same experiment to wildly inconsistent results because something, somewhere thought it was funny. 

A bathroom. Slam!  
A theater. Slam!  
A laundry room. Slam!  
A room full of whips, leather, and doilies. Weird. But still not the right result. Slam!

“Not to discourage you, Bar, but could you quit it already?” Merle walked up to him, rubbing both his temples. “I’ve had enough awful sounds for today and it looks like you’re not getting anywhere. I know you’re frustrated, but--”

“Frustrated?” Barry looked at Merle with surprise. “Oh, no. It would take a lot more than a troublesome door to make me frustrated. This is just the first test. I’m trying to see if the door works on a loop, er, a cycle of some sort. If I open it enough times, will it go back to the first room we saw?”

“Oh. Well, what do ya think? Is it working?” 

Barry considered. “I think...I think this house has way too many rooms in it. I’ve opened this door 157 times and I haven’t seen a single room repeated.” He looked around. There were two other doors on either side of the room, as well as the front door which was pinned in place by the wreckage of the Starblaster. “I guess I should see if the others are random too.” He sighed. It was going to be a long, boring experiment. 

Merle huffed. “Alright, forget what I said before. Maybe you should get _more_ emotional. Geez! I’m surprised you ain’t trying to break the walls down or something. Aren’t you worried about, y’know, _Lup_?” He said the name suggestively. 

They glared at each other. Barry’s glare said “I don’t know what you’re talking about and I’m definitely not going to admit otherwise.” Merle’s look countered with “Horseshit. And one of these days I’m going to call you on it.” Barry was the first to look away. Still, he was smiling when he did.

“Of course I’m worried about her, Merle. I’m worried about Taako and Magnus and Davenport too. But I also know they’re going to be okay. I mean, have you _seen_ Lup? There’s nothing she can’t do. I don’t need to rush because I know she’s going to find us before we find her.”

Barry’s face was practically glowing. Merle smirked. He knew Barry could be a real stick in the mud. He had to have his milk at the right temperature. He’d rather hide than admit he didn’t know something. His laundry day was like something out of a denim hellscape. But Barry also threw himself completely into everything he loved. Usually that was his work. Every new world was a candyland full of wonders for him. 

Yet for a while now that attention had also gone to Lup. She brought out the best in him. Merle had definitely seen Barry get his jeans-clad ass into high gear a lot more when she was around. Merle would never admit it, but it was cute as all hell.

Barry was a man who based his ideas entirely on evidence. If he thought that Lup could do anything it was because, as far as he was concerned, she’d already proven it.

Suddenly Barry frowned and looked at Merle with concern. “I’m sorry! I misunderstood. Were you asking me about Lup because _you’re_ worried about Dav--” 

“Nope!” Merle said it nice and loud, then turned and paced away. “Good talk, Bluejeans. Have fun with your door banging.”

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Back in the Starblaster, Lucretia was having a crisis.

“This can’t be right!” She climbed frantically through her room, looking over and under everything and opening every drawer. “No, no, no!” 

“Lucretia? Are you in here?” Merle’s voice came from down the hall. “Sorry to be a mother hen, but we’re losing party members pretty quick right now.”

She leaned her head toward the doorway. “It’s fine Merle. I’m in here.” She heard him come down the hall and saw his face as he took in her room. It was in complete chaos, even considering the general state of the ship right now. That chaos was mirrored in Lucretia’s hair. She could feel it standing at odd angles from where she’d pulled it free from her bun. 

So of course Merle would be concerned. She knew it before he did. She saw the emotion form. Merle was a good man, but he was not a complicated one. Normally she had patience for that. She had patience for all of them. They were her friends. She loved them. Of course.

Of course.

But at this moment it would just be one thing too many to hear Merle actually go through the motions of asking if she was alright. Lucretia held up a hand before he could speak. “Everything is fine, Merle. I’m just having a bit of trouble finding a journal.”

Unfortunately, this only made him look more concerned. “Oh no! The crash didn’t damage your records, did it?”

Lucretia smiled and let out a quick snort before she could stop herself. “Ah. Sorry. No, all of my previous journals are fine. I’m _very_ thorough with my protections for them. The trouble is I can’t seem to find anymore blank books and I really need to start recording our recent troubling events now, while they’re still fresh in my mind.”

“Well, that’s no problem!” Merle smiled. “You’ve still got that journal I made for you a few worlds back, don’t’cha?”

Lucretia felt a sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach. Of course. That one. Things really were desperate, weren’t they? She groped around under her bed and pulled out a box marked “Merle”. It was filled with trinkets and knick-knacks he had given her over the years, most covered in glitter and poorly glued on googly eyes. The ‘journal’ was at the back. Really it was a stack of paper with a piece of cardboard at either end and a piece of yarn binding them all together at the ‘spine’. On the cover there was a picture of what was supposed to be an owlbear, but looked more like a pineapple. A pineapple with googly eyes. 

“See?” Merle said, full of cheer. “I knew that thing would come in handy one day!”

“Yes.” Lucretia had to agree. “We need to find a bookseller as soon as possible. This can’t go on.”

“‘Course not. I know you’ll need a new one before next year. But hey, at least right now, you’re working with the best!”

And Lucretia let him think that. Because arguing with that level of wrongness was another thing that she couldn’t handle just then. 

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“Fine. What are your terms?” Lup looked the stranger dead in the eye and crossed her arms. She wasn’t going to let this catch her off-guard.

“Nothing terrible, my dear. You want to know about the House and I want to know about you. It’s a simple exchange of information.”

“....Yeah. Normal people just call it a conversation.”

The strange man’s smile faltered as he considered Lup’s words. “No. I only work with deals. There’s got to be a deal involved somehow.” He clapped his hands and rubbed them together eagerly. “Now that that’s settled, how about a round of questions? For every one you give me I get to ask you something in return. Naturally, honest answers are a _must_.”

Lup watched him warily. The man had bright eyes and cat-like features that made his smile look all the more unnatural. His whole air was so suspicious it was like he was trying for it. In a way that reassured Lup. After all, she didn’t generally trust strangers anyway and at least now she didn’t have to pretend to. 

“Alright. What is this place?”

The cat-man tilted his head. “It’s a house, dear! Who are you?”

Lup scowled. Two could play at that game. “I’m an elf. Now give me a real answer before I set your fur on fire.”

The snark didn’t upset him. In fact, it made him purr. “It’s a magical house of endless ways and wanderings. No room connects to another the same way twice and it’s impossible to know how long it will take to get from one place to another. Sometimes it can take years! Even I don’t know how big the whole thing is. I just know a few tricks to get around. Now,” he looked her in the eyes and his gaze had a predatory gleam, “ _who are you?_ ”

A shiver ran down Lup’s arms. It could take years to find her way back to the Starblaster? Well, that obviously wasn’t going to work. Who knew what dangers the others might get into while she was gone? Barry needed her help to find the Light of Creation. And probably to keep him from tripping into a dungeon or something. She had to learn whatever secrets this strange man had and from the look on his face, he knew it. If she wanted his help, she was going to have to give him an answer as useful as the one he’d given her. 

“My name is Lup. My friends and I came here from another dimension.”

He dismissed that with a wave of his weird paw-hand. “Oh, _everyone_ does that.”

“...And we’re looking for something called the Light of Creation to take off the planet before the end of the year or else a big, black tentacle cloud will destroy this entire world.”

A paw went to the man’s mouth. “Oh _dear!_ This is where I keep all of my things!”

Lup rolled her eyes. Now she knew he had to be a merchant. Not all merchants were idiots, but every planet had one who was convinced life began and ended with stuff. Whatever. At least it gave him motivation. “Right! That’s why it would really great if you could help me get back to my friends. So we can save the world and stuff.”

“Hmm.” He rubbed at his chin. “Alright. I think I have just the thing for you. A device to take you to any room in the House.”

“Great! That sounds perfect!”

“And I will sell it to you for a mere 3,000 gold pieces!”

She stared at him. “...Did you miss the part where I said I needed this thing to keep the world from being _torn to pieces by an unstoppable evil force?_ ”

“I’m afraid capitalism has already landed! I have to think about my maaaaaargins, you know.” He was still smiling. Could anything stop this madman’s smile? 

“Fuck your margins! I’m trying to keep everyone on the planet from getting killed!” She made a lunge for him but he gracefully sidestepped her. “Hold still, you feline maniac!”

“Please, call me Garfield!” He smoothly dodged as she launched a magic missile at him. “And if funds are a problem, I’m happy to work in trades. That umbrella looks to be worth about 1000 GP!”

Lup narrowed her eyes. “The only way you’re getting the Umbra Staff is up your ass.”

“Hmmmmmmm. No, I’m certain that would lower the value! How about some blood, then? You must have pleeeeenty to spare!”

By now Lup was just swinging the umbrella at him, more out of frustration than any expectation that she’d hit. There was more to Garfield than met the eye and she wasn’t going to waste any more spell slots on him. She also sure as hell wasn’t going to give him any of her blood. Who the hell would be stupid enough to do _that_? She made her answer clear with a particularly vicious swipe at Garfield’s head.

“No?” said Garfield, somehow managing to actually sound surprised. “Well, I suppose I could sell you something a bit cheaper...if you’ll do a little job for me.” 

“What sort of a job did you have in mind?”

Garfield purred again. It made Lup feel a little sick. He reached under his cloak and pulled out a necklace with an amulet on the end. “If you wear this and look in a mirror, you’ll able to see and be seen anywhere in the House as long as the other room holds an exposed mirror. It should help you keep in touch with your friends at least.”

That did sound useful. Surprisingly so. “And what do you want from me?”

Before he answered, Garfield took a careful look around the room. It was dark and filled with flickering shadows cast from a single lantern. They were surrounded by broken furniture and dust-covered junk. He glanced at every piece as though it was watching them. Suddenly, Lup wondered just how alone they really were. Then, with alarming speed, Garfield lept to Lup’s side and pressed his mouth close to her ear.

“Somewhere in this house there is a doll. You’ll know it if you see it. Find it, throw it in a sack, and bring it to me. Don’t trust a thing it says if you value your life.” He took Lup’s hand and pressed the amulet into it. “This House is a dangerous place. Death itself stalks these halls. So I’ll give you one free bit of advice. Be clear about what you want when you open the doors and the House may help you. It also may not. It loves to follow your wishes, but not your intents. Don’t let doors close behind you and never, _ever_ let it catch you in the dark.

“Now...Do we have a deeeeeeal?”

Lup couldn’t move. She kept staring at the shadows. For the first time since the crash she felt a trickle of genuine fear. Finally she managed a quick jerk of a nod. She felt a tickle from Garfield’s whiskers as he smiled wide again. 

There was a sudden sharp pain in her arm. “Ow! Motherfucker!” She looked down to see five puncture marks on her bicep. The asshole had clawed her! Worse, he had drawn blood! She looked up to complain, only to catch one last glimpse of him as he slipped through a door, smiling at her all the while. 

She didn’t want to stay here. The darkness was far too much like the Hunger, like her nightmares. Lup grabbed the lantern and ran for the door. Garfield had said the House would respond to her desires. Would it be too much to ask to go somewhere safe? Better to not be too obvious if she was being watched. 

“Take me somewhere with some damn lighting,” she whispered. She turned the knob and walked through the doorway. The door closed on its own. And then, where no one was watching, the storage room disappeared into smoke.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

It was hard to know how much time had passed. 

Barry was still applying different systems to the doors in the entrance hall. Lucretia and Merle were sleeping on the floor behind him. It had to have been hours now, but nothing he did was making a difference.

“Please,” Barry said quietly, a bit of pain finally creeping into his voice, “help me understand you. There has to be some system to this madness.”

He opened the door again. He didn’t notice that the knob was slightly warmer this time. 

There wasn’t another ordinary room waiting for Barry now. There was something so beautiful it left him speechless. What he didn’t know was that this new room was looking back at him with just as much interest. 

He took an unconscious step forward and the door slammed shut behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The pictures are strange, but they have a meaning. If only you could guess what it was. Then you might know what the ghost wants.


	4. The Garden

**Chapter Four: The Garden**

“You know, aside from the endless maze and the whole stealing my sister thing, this place isn’t all that bad.”

It wouldn’t exactly be safe to call Taako calm. It was more that he’d found his stride again. So he could take things that way. In stride. It helped that they’d just found a kitchen. At first Taako had just thrown open some cabinets to find things like bread and apples and stuff them in his bag. 

This was not a kitchen for bread and apples.

Magnus and Davenport watched in wonder as Taako tore through the place, exclaiming every time he opened a drawer or cabinet. 

“Huh. Weird. They have a baguette pan.”

“Wait a minute. Is that kobe beef?”

“Fucking puffer fish?! Seriously? You need a fucking license to cook that shit!” 

Then Taako opened a barrel and let out a high-pitched yelp. “What the hell?!”

Magnus rushed forward, desperately hoping to have the chance to punch something. “What is it?”

The elf reached into the barrel and pulled out a handful of a red, stringy substance. Magnus had no idea what it was, but it smelled nice at least.

“Saffron.” Taako’s voice was halfway between awed and offended. “It’s a whole barrel full of saffron. Do you have any idea how expensive this shit is? You could spend a couple dozen gold just getting a small jar of the stuff. _No one_ has a _barrel_ of saffron.”

Magnus tried to look at the red strings with a bit more concern, but he still didn’t see why he should care. It wasn’t like they needed money. “Well, that was back home. Maybe this is just a world where they’ve got a lot of saffron. It might be no big deal.”

“If that’s true, then we’re on fucking Planet Decadence, my man. Hold up a minute. I’ve gotta make something completely extra.” And Taako began pulling out pots and pans to make the most elaborate meal he’d cooked in ages.

Magnus opened his mouth to protest, but then thought better of it. He knew Taako too well to think his friend was putting Lup on the back burner. They’d been going through endless doors for hours, trying to get to her or at least get back to the Starblaster. They needed rest and some food would be a good idea. 

So instead he just nodded, asked for something with a lot of cheese in it, and went to the table to sit with Davenport. Their captain wasn’t doing so well. It was obvious that Davenport had been injured the most since their crash and he was still nursing a few ugly gashes. After the hours of stress and exploring on top of that, Davenport was looking ready to collapse. Still, Cap’nport wasn’t the sort of guy who would let his team down. That was why even now Magnus could see he was putting in an extra effort to sit as straight as he could, as though they might charge into battle at any second. 

Davenport was a tough nut to crack. He hardly ever relaxed. It had taken them all decades to figure out the trick to making him unwind. 

Step one: get him to stop thinking about himself.

“Hey Dav, do you have a second? There’s something that’s been on my mind for a while.”

Davenport’s posture immediately loosened. He slouched forward and rested his elbows on the table to give Magnus a ‘I’m here for you, buddy’ sort of look. This was the step that got him to stop being Captain Super Professional, but Magnus knew it was still part of an act. After all, what sort of captain doesn’t give emotional support to his teammates?

“What’s wrong, Magnus?” Davenport’s voice was full of sincere, if practiced, concern. “I’m here for you, buddy.”

Step two: present a problem that only a friend could help with.

Magnus scratched at the back of his head and looked away in embarrassment. The tricky thing was this step involved actually opening up. “Do you ever think about, y’know, love?”

“Well, yeah. It’s what powers our ship.” Davenport chuckled, then winced and held his ribcage. “But that’s not what you’re talking about, is it?”

“No….” Magnus sighed. “It’s just...I know we don’t age, but sometimes I really feel how old I am inside. I’ve started to wonder what I’d be doing right now if it weren’t for the Hunger. I...I wonder if I’d be a grandfather.”

And there it was. In a second Davenport went from being a Captain to being a person. His eyes filled with real pain and concern. He reached out and touched Magnus’ arm. His hand was small, but it still had such a solid weight to it, a firm loyalty that Magnus could only dream of living up to. That was the thing with Davenport. He cared about things 100%. Sometimes he got stuck in his Brave Captain rut, but he always came back to being the best friend a guy could ask for. 

“I know we don’t always have the luxury of slowing down and thinking about ‘what ifs’,” Davenport said slowly, never taking his eyes from Magnus’, “but I think it’s always important to listen to what your heart is saying. You need to know what you’re dreaming of to remember who you are and what you’re fighting for, even if those things seem impossible.”

Damn, the gnome had way with words. Magnus could already feel his eyes welling up. Now he wondered how much he had really wanted to help Davenport, or if he’d just needed someone to talk to. Well, if he was being selfish it was something he had to do. All of a sudden there was something bursting to get out of Magnus that felt like it had been there a long time.

“I don’t think I’m ever going to fall in love.” Magnus took a few breaths to make sure his voice didn’t crack. “I didn’t used to care about that stuff. I didn’t want to settle down. I wanted adventure. I wanted rowdy fights and late parties and friends to joke with everywhere I went.” He and Davenport shared a smile. That last part had come true a least. 

“But now I’m starting to wonder if I’d’ve found someone special if we’d been able to go home. Would there have been some woman or man who would have made me feel like every moment with them was the best adventure I could ever ask for? Would we have had kids? Would we have cleaned dishes together and gotten soap on each other and laughed about it? Would we have had special little names for each other?” Magnus shook his head then continued.

“It sounds like the pettiest thing to worry about. I’m mean, we’ve seen so many worlds die. _We’ve_ died. But we still get to keep going. Together. You guys have all given me more love than I could ever ask for. It’s just….”

Magnus couldn’t finish the thought. Instead he leaned forward and held his head in his hands. He was listening to his heart alright. It sucked. 

“It’s not enough, is it? Do you feel like something’s missing?” Davenport squeezed Magnus’ arm. His tone was gentle, without a hint of judgment. Magnus almost wished he’d be harsh. Then Magnus could stop feeling sorry for himself. Instead he just cried and felt like a child as he did it.

“Life wasn’t supposed to be like this,” Magnus whispered. “There was supposed to be a happy ending.”

There was a sudden clatter on the table. They both looked up to see a pair of plates with some fancy-looking sandwiches on them. In the second it took them to take that in, Taako was already walking away. 

“That should hold you for now,” he said airily. “I’ll let you know when the hyderabadi biryani is ready.”

And Magnus smiled, glad to remember again who he was and why he kept fighting, even when it seemed impossible.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

It was the most incredible garden Barry had ever seen. 

It had plants that swayed to an absent breeze, branches that bounced underneath curious animals leaping from tree to tree, and flowers of every type with petals and thorns and bulbs and buds. There was even the tell-tale whisper of insects in the air. 

But what made all so remarkable, was the fact that there wasn’t a single plant in the room at all. The was no green or yellow or red to be seen. Instead everything was a shade of shining bronze. That was because absolutely everything in the garden was made of metal. 

It was a clockwork conservatory. 

Barry listened closely. He was surrounded by the sound of ticking. It sounded like one large mechanism, but when he paid attention he could hear that it was actually dozens, maybe hundreds, of clicks happening in perfect synchronization. 

There were so many fascinating things before him, Barry hardly knew where to start. He knelt down and examined a leaf sprouting out of the stem of a tulip. It wasn’t just a rigid piece of metal. Instead the leaf bent and swayed just like a real one would. Looking closely, Barry could see that it was made up of countless hinges and gears, many so small he could barely discern them with the naked eye, to give it its life-like flexibility. 

He moved on to some of the bigger plants. The tree trunks had the perfect level of rigidity, yet their leaves still swayed in perfect time when Barry pushed at the tree’s base. To one side there was a patch of clover, but every 1.5 seconds the clovers would rotate and exchange leaves. Then the best part was when a little clockwork chipmunk scampered into view. It had a small trail it clearly ran along repeatedly and it didn’t hold still long enough for a close examination, but every standard chipmunk muscle, stripe, and cheek-pouch was accounted for. The tiny automaton was a perfect replica. And all this was just within the first few feet of the garden’s entrance!

His heart started to beat faster and a grin spread over his face. There were times where he thought he was the luckiest man in existence. Here he was, a scientist with an insatiable curiosity and the chance and time to learn the secrets of a million worlds! He always got excited when he found something particularly strange and impressive. And as interesting as a mechanical garden was, Barry had a hunch that he’d just discovered something even more impressive. 

Someone or something must have built this incredible landscape. It was clearly someone with an extraordinary intellect, a love of natural beauty, and an infinite amount of patience. More than that, Barry had an idea that he wasn’t in this room by accident. The owner of this bizarre house wanted him to see this, wanted him to see something with more identity than all the lovely, but impersonal rooms Barry had been slamming doors on for the last few hours. That meant…

Wait. There was something about that last thought that bothered Barry. Something was wrong. Something he should be worried about. It was on the tip of his tongue when his thoughts were interrupted by a voice breaking through the melodic ticking.

“Helloooooo? Is anyone there?”

Was it the mechanical gardner? She certainly had a nice voice. Almost as nice as Lup’s. 

Oh. Shit. That _was_ Lup’s voice! 

He ran along a coppery gravel path looking for her. “Lup! Where are you? Are you alright?”

“Is that you, Barry? I can’t see you. You’re going to have to come closer.”

“I’m trying! It’s not like I _like_ playing fantasy Marco Polo!” Barry peered around a bush whose branches seemed to mimic some sort of solar system and carefully side-stepped a group of vines that were definitely a charged electrical circuit. “Isn’t this place fantastic, Lup? I’m glad you got to see it. I’ve never seen such a sublime combination of magic and mechanics!” 

He blushed. “It’s, ah, almost like you and me, isn’t it?”

“...I don’t know about that.” Lup’s voice was closer now. Barry’s heart sank as he heard her incredulous, almost disgusted tone. 

It was alright. Barry was used to getting regular heart attacks from trying to figure out how Lup felt about him. Some days they would flirt nonstop and she found endless reasons to touch him. Other days she used up his toothpaste drawing glasses and a beard on him in his sleep. (He’d never forget his time as Barry Mintface.) All that mattered was that Lup was alive and safe and….

And she was staring at him from the inside of a mirror hanging from a tree like a large glass pear. Lup’s image was a bit distorted by the curve of the glass, but he could still make out her glittering, mischievous eyes and her ever-present smirk. 

Barry starred her with a deadpan expression. Then he gestured vaguely at her and the whole mirror. “Why do you do these things to me, Lup?”

She rolled her eyes. “So sorry, Barold. Did I make your day hard by saving your life then sinking into the floor? I’ll try to have more _normal_ weird-ass magic adventures in the future.”

“Please. You say that every time. I’m starting to think I can’t trust you.” Barry delicately held the mirror-pear in his hand, careful not to pull it off the tree. “So are you trapped in this thing now? Because it would make keeping track of you a lot easier if I could put you in my sock drawer.”

Lup snorted. His heart soared. There was no better feeling in the world than knowing he’d made Lup laugh. 

“You wish, Denim-Butt. I’m Little Miss Inferno, remember? No one’s going to catch me that easily! I’m just in some other room right now. I met a sketchy cat and he gave me a way to talk to you guys through mirrors. He gave me a few tips too. He said that we should keep the doors open behind us and…”

Oh dear. Barry felt a sinking feeling in his gut. That was what had been bothering him. He was so caught up in the thrill of discovering the Clockwork Conservatory that he hadn’t registered the door closing behind him. He glanced back the way he’d come. Yup. That was a closed door, alright. Great, now they were even more split up than before. 

Suddenly he yelped as he felt a small, burning pain in his wrist.

“Are you alright, Barry? What’s going on?”

He examined the wound. There was a small, black thorn of some sort sticking out of his wrist. A moment later he noticed the wriggling remains of a clockwork bee on the ground. Apparently the bee was so realistic she still ‘died’ after losing her stinger. Barry pulled out the metal sting and rubbed his wrist. It was still sore.

“Um. Don’t worry, I’m fine. It’s just a bee sting.”

“Aren’t you allergic to bees?” 

The crew of the Starblaster had long since learned the surprisingly long list of things Barry was allergic to. Taako and Lup often wore black when they went out to eat with Barry, to mourn all the things he couldn’t eat. 

“It’s fine,” Barry assured her. “It wasn’t a real bee. What we need to focus on right now is putting together a plan to reunite everyone. It’s been a real mess since you disappeared.” Lup shrugged as if to say _Of course it has. You’d all fall apart if it weren’t for me._ “Since you can talk through the mirrors, would you mind coordinating us? Maybe if we work together we all find each other again.”

Lup nodded. “That’s about what I was thinking. My first idea is we should...AAAAAAH!”

Suddenly Lup disappeared from view and the pear became an ordinary mirror again. Barry breathed hard. Lup would be fine. Lup was the best of them. She was always fine. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And actually, yes, it turned out she was completely alright. The mirror flickered back to life a few minutes later and Lup appeared again. She looked a bit more bruised and she was holding her arm carefully, but otherwise seemed perfectly well. 

“Sorry about that. Apparently we’re not immune to random encounters here. Some weird-ass shadow monster just jumped me.”

Barry frowned. “It wasn’t a part of the Hunger, was it?”

“Nah. It looked more like some sort of shadowy skeleton. Anyway, where were we?”

They both got comfortable and began to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The spies are birds and fish. Pay attention to where they point, what they see, and who they are listening to.


	5. The Plan

Merle woke after Pan-knew-how-long, feeling surprisingly well-rested. Of course that optimism couldn’t last. Lucretia was right next to him. He took one look at her face and knew something was wrong. 

“Alright. Get it out,” he grumbled. “How much more screwed did we get while I was asleep?”

Lucretia sighed and looked down. “Barry is gone. I looked all over the ship. Either something got him like it got Lup or….”

“Or Mr. Curiosity stepped through one of those damn doors!” Merle lay back down and groaned. “Oh well, I guess it could be worse. Hell, we’ve got it pretty good right now?”

“Do we?” Lucretia raised a brow. “Pray tell, how is that?”

“Look around! The ship’s a wreck but it’s still got all our stuff in it, which means food and wine and plenty of good bedding.”

“Are you sure the wine bottles didn’t break in the crash?”

Merle smirked and gave her an exaggerated wink. “Not the ones in my stash! Pan demands the finest of communions and I keep all the good stuff in a bag of holding I picked up a few worlds back.”

In spite of herself, Lucretia laughed. “Of course you did.” Then she was serious again. “But plentiful rations or not, don’t you think we should try and find the others? They could all be in terrible danger.”

“Yeah, but we’re not gonna make any better going after them. It’s basic rules for getting lost, Lucy! You stay in one place so folks can find ya. We know they’re all gonna want to come back to the ship, so we should stay put and be ready to help them when they find us. Besides,” he threw a friendly arm around her waist, “it’s been forever since I’ve to spend some quality time with my bestie! What do you say you get out the journal from world fourteen again and we’ll laugh at the stupid haircuts we all got to fit in.”

Lucretia raised her eyebrows at the term ‘bestie’. She’d never realized that Merle thought so fondly of her. Was it because she was the only one who was kind about the gifts he gave out? Maybe that was enough to consider her a slightly closer friend than all the others. She could understand that.

Even after so much time together, there were things that the rest of the group didn’t know about her. Not secrets exactly, just a past she hadn’t bothered to share. In many ways it was a boring past, filled many, many hours of reading. Books had always filled Lucretia with a special joy. It felt like whatever facts she learned about far-flung countries and cultures were her own special presents. Such memories were warm was for her, but from the outside it had been years of sitting still with her head bent, ignoring the world around her. 

Of course she had excelled in her studies. Of course her notes were immaculate. 

And of course Lucretia had never had a friend before in her life.

That was part of her boring past. It was full of little disappointments from time after time when no one understood her. In the end she had learned to do without. Naturally things were different on the Starblaster. They all loved one another dearly by now. They had to. They were all they had. Just as importantly, their friendships were what powered the ship. That was why Lucretia made a point of spending time with all of them. She kept notes on how many hours she stayed in Barry and Lup’s lab, in the kitchen with Taako, exploring with Magnus, and drinking wine with Merle and Davenport. Her friendships were meticulously cultivated. 

Still, she was under no illusions that she would have grown close with any of them if their mission had gone according to plan. These were friendships of necessity, borne out of fear and desperation. She was still very much the odd reader and the lonely journal keeper she’d always been. Merle thinking of her as a best friend simply told her that he was as isolated inside as she was. Oddly, even that was a nice sort of companionship to have. 

Just then, a loud creak echoed through the entry hall. Lucretia and Merle turned slowly. The door behind them was open.

“You know,” Merle spoke in a whisper, “Barry opened and shut all these doors a bunch of times. They never creaked once.”

Lucretia felt the blood drain from her face. “Are you saying the house is trying to get our attention?”

“I’m saying that we may not get much choice about staying here.”

The soft sound of piano music wafted through the doorway. Lucretia recognized it well. When she was a girl she had taken piano lessons for a few years. It wasn’t long enough to gain any real skill, but she had practiced one song the most because it was her father’s favorite. She hadn’t heard it in years. To hear it now was like being haunted by the ghost of a home she had almost forgotten. It was both comforting and awful. 

“Gods above and below,” Lucretia whispered. “Merle, I think this place can see into our minds.” 

Merle’s eyes bulged and he stared at her for a long moment. “Welp. That’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard.” He looked around the entrance hall suspiciously. “And if it’s true then I HOPE YOU LIKE LOOKING AT ALL THE _PORN_ IN MY HEAD, YA PERVY MANSION!”

The music missed a few notes, paused, then started again at the next line of the song.

Lucretia snorted in disbelief. “Merle, I think you just made the house blush!”

“Ha! If that worked then I’ll have to start thinking up some of the weirdest, kinkiest shit I can. That’ll teach this stupid building to root around in MY thoughts.”

The music was getting louder now and it was accompanied by a low rumble. The floor was starting to shift under them, slanting at an angle toward the open door. It wasn’t very steep yet, but there was an obvious implication that it could become near-vertical at any moment. As hints went, it wasn’t a subtle one. The two had to move forward and they had to do it now. 

Lucretia took Merle’s hand. “Whatever is in that room is meant for me. I know that song too well for it to be anything else. Merle, please promise that no matter what happens you’ll do your best to stay with me? I...I don’t want to be alone.”

Merle smiled at her and took her hand. “You don’t have to worry, Lucretia. We may have lost everyone else, but I’m sure as hell not letting you out of my sight.”

Whatever this place was, it had plans for them. While Lucretia had a clever mind, she had never had a fighter’s spirit. Someone had to protect her. Even if it was only a dwarf who never should have been her friend in the first place.

Things would be okay. Of course they would.

And of course, as they made their way through door, they failed hear anything above the music and the rumbling floor. Certainly not the small voice of an elf yelling from a mirror at the other end of the entrance hall.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

“Argh! Singed shit on a stick!” Lup yelled. Yup. Lucretia and Merle had left the room. Worse, there apparently weren’t any mirrors where they were now, because Lup couldn’t get her amulet to focus on them again. 

That was going to make things a hell of a lot harder. She and Barry had been hoping to use the Starblaster as a common convergence point, but now it was alone in a room that had just been shuffled back into a very large deck.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

Hmm. Lup couldn’t help but notice a soul-wrenching, horrible noise behind her. In fact, it was bad enough to distract her from her work. Lup _hated_ being distracted. Still, maybe she could…

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH! SCREECH SCREEECH SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

Welp, there was no helping it. She was going to have to kill someone. She turned. “Listen, bonebag, I already kicked your tailbone to the curb without breaking a sweat once. Do you really want to go again?”

The speech was just to get out some aggression. She knew the skeleton in the corner couldn’t really understand her. It was your basic undead fodder that nega-clerics and whatever came up with when they decided that taking over town hall was basically two steps away from world domination. This one had lept at Lup from behind a curtain during her talk with Barry. It had only taken two magic missiles to break the thing to pieces. Unfortunately, the thing hadn’t taken the hint and gone 100% on the whole death thing. Instead the skeleton had largely reassembled itself. It was scraping at the floor with a broken scythe now. Probably trying to kill her with sonic damage. 

It wasn’t the worst plan. No one ever thought to guard against sonic damage. 

She pointed her umbrella at the creature. “You really don’t know how to stay down do you?” It was a shame. She was starting to get pretty low on spell slots. She was ready fire something that would reduce the skeleton to ash when it started waving frantically at her. Lup paused and it pointed at the recently scratched-up floor.

Lup glanced over, careful not to let her guard down. There was one word clearly carved into the marble floor: “Hell”. 

“You’re darn right I’m gonna send you to hell, you undead creep!” Lup laughed. “Good job with the spelling though. I didn’t think boney mooks were smart enough for that!”

The skeleton then smacked its forehead and drew a quick semi-circle. Whoops. It turned out the thing wanted _help_ not hell. 

Well, that was unusual. Lup looked the skeleton over carefully for the first time. It was tall. Sort of. It was actually missing both its legs, a fact that was obscured by the ragged black cloak it wore. It was also hovering as though the bones were still in place. Looking closer, Lup could see that the skeleton was missing a number of bones. Part of the rib cage was gone, the lower jaw was completely absent, and its right hand hovered in the air several inches from its elbow with no middle bone to connect them. 

“Wow,” Lup said quietly. “I’m guessing you’re having a day at least as bad as I am.” 

The skeleton nodded. 

She sighed. “Alright. Undead or not, it looks the wacky funhouse is our common enemy here. I don’t really know what I can do to help you, but I’ll try. In the meantime, don’t attack me anymore. Got it?”

Another nod.

“Sweet. Now stay out of my way for a bit. I’ve got more calls to make.”

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Taako started to clean the dishes automatically before he decided he didn’t care. Normally it was a cook’s duty to make sure the kitchen was in pristine condition again once the meal was done, but fuck it. It wasn’t like he was ever going to see this room again, right?

He yawned widely and glanced back at Magnus and Davenport. They looked as exhausted as he felt after that over-the-top meal and their hours of exploring. 

"Taako!" The fuck? That definitely sounded like Lup, but she wasn't anywhere in sight. This was a hell of a time to develop twin ESP. Taako waved a hand in the air around him in case she was invisible somewhere and held two fingers from his other hand to his forehead. He thought as hard as he could in Lup's spiritual direction.

"Lup? Are you alright? Is your spirit with us?"

"...Yeeeeees, Taaaaaakoooo," Lup's voice was slow and spooky. "My spirit has come to you from beyond the veil of deeeeeeaaaaath to give you this vital meeeeeessaaage."

Goosebumps rose on Taako's skin, not so much that his sister was dead. That sucked, but had happened often enough. (Definitely not a problem. They would be fine. Always.) The problem was he'd always been scared as shit of ghosts. They were one of the few things you couldn't fireball away.

"Okay. What's the message?"

"Loooook to your leeeeeeft, you fuuuuckwiiiit."

Taako turned. Lup winked at him from a mirror on the wall. Behind him Davenport and Magnus burst into laughter. Well fuck. Taako knew he would officially never live this down. 

"Okay, listen,” Lup finally said when her laughter subsided. “Here's the plan Barry and I worked out. A creepy cat guy is wandering around and he told me to stay out of the dark and to keep the doors open. I think that's a pretty good idea."

Taako tilted his head. "What kind of dark are we talking here? 'Cause we're elves baby, dark vision is part of our sweet package."

"Just stick with Magnus. If he starts whining, light a candle or something."

"Hey!" Magnus yelled. "Geez, what is it with you guys and hating on humans?"

"Sorry, Burnsides, that's your lot," Davenport said with a laugh. "You're our short-lived, blind, oversexed canary in a coal mine."

"Really? Oversexed? You know I haven't gotten laid in nearly a decade!"

Davenport twisted his lips in mock scepticism. "I don't know about that, but I do know that in all the worlds we've visited I've seen half-elves, half-orcs, dragonborne, and tieflings. There wasn't a one that didn't come from a human getting frisky outside their species. Face it Magnus, your kind gets around worse than rabbits."

Through the mirror Lup nodded. "We've talked about getting you fixed. For your own good. Can't have little Magnuses running all around the cosmos, right?" She laughed.

The room went quiet and Taako and Davenport gave Magnus sudden nervous looks. It suddenly didn't seem like a good idea to poke fun at the fathering potential of the man who'd just been crying over the thought that he'd never have a family.

Even on the other side of a mirror it wasn't hard to sense the shift in the air. "What's wrong?" asked Lup. "Is it something I said?"

"Don't worry about it," Magnus said quickly before anyone else could respond. "So we stay out of the dark. What else?"

Lup frowned, but since everyone else was carefully looking away from her there didn’t seem to be much point in pursuing the matter. “Right. The most important part is that you leave all the doors you can open. Prop them up with something big in every room you go through, but make sure to carve a big fat arrow on the door you go through. Barry and I experimented a bit and the rooms don’t change if they’re still connected to each other.”

“So, what, we’re trying to force this place to have a single layout?” Taako asked. “That might not be enough. This place is totally flooded with magic in every inch. There really could be an infinite number of rooms. Hell, the house itself might just be generating them on the spot every time we open a door.”

She shrugged. “Maybe. It’s the best we’ve worked out so far. Also, this place is alive at least to some extent. I definitely just saw it persuade Lucretia and Merle to leave the ship behind. I’m pretty sure the house wants to separate us. Each of you should grab a mirror first chance you get so I can keep in touch with you.”

“Hmmm.” Taako murmured to himself. “The house is alive...The house is alive and _wants_ to separate us.” Suddenly he burst into a wide, wicked grin. 

In the mirror, Lup grinned as well. Together the twins looked almost frightening. “I thought that might make you excited.”

Magnus and Davenport looked back and forth between them. “Alright, what’s so fun about being in a house that’s probably going to try and kill us?” Davenport finally asked.

“It’s got a mind,” Taako explained.

“That means it’s a person,” Lup added. “And as we’ve long known…”

“People are idiots,” they said in unison. Immediately they started to cackle in a way that was even more unsettling than their smiles had been. 

Tentatively, Magnus raised his hand. “Sorry, uh, I’m still not getting it. Is this some weird twin logic?”

“It’s simple, Maggy-bear,” Taako said, throwing an arm over Magnus’ shoulder. “When Lup and I were but innocent young elflings we had to take care of ourselves in some less than legal ways from time to time. Sometimes it was a swindle for some food. Other times it was breaking into someone’s attic to sleep through a storm somewhere dry. The thing we always found was that locks and bolts and protective spells may only do one thing, but they’ll do it every time. People on the other hand….” He gestured to Lup, who continued the lesson. 

“People are ready to change their minds, miss their footing, or see what they want to see basically whenever you tell them to. Because people are idiots. People make mistakes. If this house can think, that means it can slip up. That’s where we come in. For now we need to continue to explore and watch what it does. That’s how we’ll figure out how to beat this architectural asshole!”

The twins high-fived on either side of the glass, but Magnus was still worried. Did they really have a chance to beat this endless house? He’d punched his way through a lot of things in his life, but he’d never had an entire environment working against him. He wished he could feel as confident as Taako and Lup did. 

_Magnus Burnsides, are you actually saying that there’s something you can’t do? Ha! I’ll believe it when I see it. You’re a hero, Magnus, for all of us. And if you don’t have faith in yourself, well, don’t worry. Because I have faith in you. Don’t worry. We’ll get through this together._

It was a woman’s voice ringing through Magnus’ head. Looking around, the others clearly hadn’t heard it. The woman sounded young and happy with a voice full of laughter. Somehow it was soothing when it should have been incredibly creepy because, AAAAH, there was a voice in his head!

He should have said something. He really should have. But the others were already moving furniture and propping open doors. Maybe it would be alright to let it wait a few minutes. In a few minutes he would be ready to shake off the warm sensation that someone was suddenly holding his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're running out of cards. It's what you wanted. Just make sure you're ready. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for reading my story so far. I still have many exciting plans that I hope you will enjoy. Please free to contact me on tumblr as comicgeekery. There's one thing I would like you to know. I intend to use this story as a way to get different pairs of characters to interact than we usually get in the show. Does anyone have any requests?


	6. The Doll

**Chapter Six: The Doll**

When Taako woke up there was a porcelain doll staring at him an inch away from his face. Like any sensible person, he immediately leapt a foot in the air and threw himself out of bed, as he could get.

“Demon doll! What the hell is this fucking haunted doll doing next to me?” Taako swivelled. Sure enough, Magnus and Davenport were laughing their asses off on the other side of the room. Taako suddenly realized with a sinking feeling that he could be stuck in the same room as these idiots for the next year. There was no way even the profound chill of the Taako could withstand that. 

The night (or what they had been calling night since who the hell knew what time it was) before they’d decided to end their exploration when they came across a cozy bedroom with three generously-sized beds in it. It was like something out of Fantasy Goldilocks. Magnus took the big, hard, wooden bed because he clearly needed his bed to say something about his penis. Taako took the smaller, but much fluffier bed because who the hell meditates when you can sleep on a fucking cloud? And Davenport made a big fuss about them sleeping in shifts before they finally cocooned him in blankets on the little bed clearly made with human children in mind. It fit him perfectly. 

Now Taako bothered to look around the room a bit more. It was boring as hell, like something out of the world’s most cliche woodland cottage. Complete with rafters and a friggin thatched ceiling. There were shelves along the walls with jars of preserves, a couple of seashells, and a super old Fantasy Farmer’s Almanac along with a bunch of other rustic bric-a-brak. 

Still, it was weird that all this humble and homemade junk was right next to a ballroom full of marble tiling. Taako peeked through the doorway and was relieved to see that their trail of open doors was still intact. That path was still their only plan for out-smarting the house and he didn’t like the idea of taking up aimless wandering again. 

“Hey, are you ready to get going again?” Davenport called to him. “If we get lucky, we might be able to find another kitchen and get some breakfast.”

“Yeah, sure thing, homie,” Taako murmured, distracted. Then he got a good look at Davenport. 

The gnome was not looking good. Yesterday he’d gotten his skull and ribs caved in during a crash landing, starting bleeding out his ears from an overpowering wave of sound, and then had to walk for hours in a fruitless search for Lup. Sure there had been some healing along the way, but not nearly enough. His skin was clammy. His face was haggard. And Taako was pretty sure he could still see a bit of a dent by Davenport’s hairline. 

“Geez, dude, we sure picked a swell time to lose our healer, didn’t we?” Taako walked over to Davenport and gave him a poke. It was enough to send him sprawling onto the bed behind him. “You need some good old bedrest, my man.” 

Naturally Davanport shook his head. “We can’t afford to separate anymore and I’m not going to hold us back. We need to keep opening doors until we find the others. Don’t worry. I’ll manage just fine.”

It was hardly a surprise. Davenport was a man married to his mission. That’s why the rest of the crew was happy to get creative when it came to dealing with him. Taako glanced toward and raised his eyebrows in a look that asked ‘Got any ideas?’.

There wasn’t much to work with in the room, but after a moment Magnus’ eyes settled on a large wooden chest at the foot of Taako’s bed and he broke into a wide grin. (Honestly, Taako was starting to get concerned about how fixated Magnus was getting about wooden things lately. This was a hell of a time to grow a fetish.)

“What if we carried you?” Magnus asked, already opening the chest, removing some old nightshirts, and lining it with a few pillows. “That way you could get some rest and still come along with us!”

“Yeah,” Taako chimed in. “We’ll even let you make little rocket noises while we’re moving. It’ll be just like flying the Starblaster.”

Davenport glared. “My profession is a very serious one. You can’t just---”

“Aw man!” Magnus interrupted. “I’d love to make rocket noises and have you guys steer my special spaceship! I’d be all whoooossh, booosh, zooooom! Then ‘Fire the lasers! Power the thrusters! Prepare for the space loop-de-loop!’” He demonstrated his excellent piloting skill by spreading his arms and running around the room, making further sound effects.

“.....Yeah, I still don’t think you guys understand how much skill it takes to be a captain.” Davenport just barely managed to sound calm and measured. “And frankly, I don’t see how these antics are helping us at all. Can we just get moving please?”

“Aw, don’t be like that!” Taako sat down to Davenport and slung one arm across his shoulders. Magnus brought the chest over on the floor next to them, still making rocket noises. Taako put on a charming smile and touched his hand to his chest. “Listen, you’re talking to the man who invented surfing. I know how hard it is to steer your way around the forces of nature.” 

That was the point that Davenport started rubbing his temples, carefully not looking at either of them. Taako made a point of not taking the hint. “But sometimes nature’s got to be obeyed, my dude. Like when your body’s ready to croak and you’ve lost your cleric boyfriend.”

Davenport’s head snapped up. “What’s that---” And in the instant he was distracted Taako cast Mage Hand and shoved him into the chest. The lid fell down with a satisfying clunk. (Hopefully it hadn’t hit the gnome’s head on the way down.) 

“Nice.” Magnus smiled and gave Taako a high five. “Want me to carry him?”

“Nah, don’t bother,” Taako said with a smirk. “Taako’s got this.” He cracked his knuckles, stretched his neck, then with a flourish cast floating disk under the chest. If this day was going to be anything like the last then there was no real need to conserve his spell slots. It would just be hours and hours of propping doors open. He sighed just thinking about it. 

“Right. Well, I guess we’d better get this show on the road. Don’t want to miss out on a bunch of empty rooms, right Maggie?”

Magnus opened the door on the far end of the bedroom. It led to an ornate, ocean-themed bathroom. “After you….Wait, no, uh…” He scratched the back of his neck and looked away sheepishly. “I know we can’t close the doors, but could you maybe stay in here for a sec while I, uh, take care of some business? I’m pretty sure I’m going to clog up some pipes, if you know what I mean.” 

“Gross.” Taako turned and stepped back towards his bed. “Fine. Just remember this place is tricky so make sure to prop the door--”

And that was the exact moment he heard the bathroom door slam closed. 

“Damnit!”

He ran over and yanked the door open again. No luck. The bathroom was replaced with a fantasy bowling alley.

“Damnit!” He ran back to the trunk he’d thrown Davenport in. Maybe Davenport could….

The trunk was empty too. Of course it was. Wasn’t the lid of a chest just a sideways sort of door?

“DAMNIT!”

Taako knew he had to do...well _something_. Maybe Lup would have an idea. He reached for his pockets then stopped halfway through the motion. Magnus had been the one carrying their mirror. He couldn’t talk to Lup even if she decided to call him.

“Oh…..Oh, no.” All of a sudden his knees felt weak. He didn’t resist the urge to slump to the floor. His eyes were suddenly level with the creepy doll on the bed the others had pranked him with just a few minutes ago. That was all it had taken. Just a few minutes for everything to go to shit. 

For the first time in decades Taako was truly alone. 

He never would have said it, even to himself, but he had never been so afraid in his life. 

He then hastily revised that opinion when the doll turned its head to look at him. In a place with normal time and space his shriek would have echoed for miles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It doesn't matter how much you know. It just matters that you know more than everyone else.


End file.
